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So it’s 5 years on and the wife and I are the happiest we’ve ever been.

We just renewed our wedding vowed and have just yesterday got home from our 2nd honeymoon in Lanzerote and it was glorious. I love the woman so much, she’s just the best.

We’ve had a few tough times over the last couple of years (Not down to my stupidity this time) through illness but we’re getting through it together and I’m able to support the lady through it all…

So there we are, that’s today. who knows when I’ll post again but be sure I’ll be back.

x

12/02/2012 – Sunday.

So almost 3 years down the line and we are still together. I love her more than ever.

I’ve just read back on what I planned and I have followed through with them… some of them.

I’m still not very fit but I have been trying over the last month.

I have a new career now, or should I say I have a few new businesses that are all starting to grow, we are working on them together and looking to expand in the next year or so.

The kids are doing great. Eldest (11) is becoming a moody teen, the other 2 are getting on with things.

I can’t explain how they make me feel… I have so much love for them, sometimes I feel I might burst. I squeeze them too hard somedays because of it.

I think one of the problems I’m still struggling with is that I find it hard to switch off from work… probably a workaholic. I try to set time aside just for family and then bookings come in and I just can’t say no… I’m working on that tho.

I know no one else reads these posts but I can keep coming back every now and then to see what’s here. If any one does stumble upon them and are feeling similar do read them… Do see how it can be better, you’ll need to put some work in but it can work.

I’ll try and post a little more regularly… just for myself.

Take Care.

14th July 2009

Well… you can never underestimate or second guess people…

My wife has decided that she wants to try again (She decided a few months ago, I’ve just been too slack to post here for ages). I moved back home and we are trying again.

I am the happiest I have been and we seem to be getting on better than ever. I’m changing career at the end of the year (Which will help as a lot of our arguments are about that) and things are looking up.

I am following the things I set out and trying my best to be a better person and I feel good for it no matter what happens. I am who I want to be again and not the horrible dick I was becoming.

Day 43 – 23/2/2009

It’s over, I’m trying to become a better person and in doing so I’ve told the truth (possibly for the 1st time ever) and it’s too much for her. (To be honest it’s probably too much for anyone, I know I’d be doing the same) So our relationship is finished, she hates me. I have done horrible things and lied and I deserve no less and she deserves better. I hope she can move on and not let what has happened get to her. I still love her and contrary to what she believes I do care about how she feels. If I had a tardis I could time travel and not make the mistakes I have, but then that would be too easy wouldn’t it? No I need to move on too and stick to what I have started. I can’t change the past but I can become a better person through my mistakes and that’s the plan.

I’m sorry for what I’ve done and how I’ve treated my wife and for the fact that I have broke this, I’m sorry for it all.

Day 31 – 11/2/2009

Bit of a mixed bag really, when I got home we talked and shouted and then talked again and decided it best if I move out. After that there seemed to be a change between us… we took the dog for a walk, went shopping together and seem to be getting on ok. I have moved out since and the kids have been to stay at Dads house, they were upset when we told them, but once they realised that we both still love them and that Dad was only living round the corner they were ok. I’m doing ok too, I have minutes, hours and sometimes days where I’m really upset but I’d rather it be like this than lose her altogether and if we just stay friends then so be it. I love her and she has been my best friend for 10 years now.

On the up side, My wife has decided she wants to retrain and I am really happy for her that she’s decided to do something positive, I have been to see friends over the last 2 days and I have also won an award so right now I’m feeling OK.

Day 17 – 28/1/2009

A few good days and I feel like I am starting on my way, I have found some help for my problems and have started the process of trying to get sorted, Me and my wife have spoken a few times and even shared a laugh. I know she is still struggling with things but at least it’s a start, we have also discussed our friendship and both agree that whatever happens we’d like to try and stay friends. The kids seem ok too, even though I was not home for my youngest sons birthday (I did call twice and send gifts tho…) they seem happy and are getting excited as daddy is coming home in a week…

My fitness is getting better and I have lost some weight.

All in all things seem to be moving in the right direction.

Today I am going to sort some photos for an exhibition I have been asked to do and go shopping to get gifts for the wife and kids. Positive action

Day 11 – 22/1/2009

Not been good, in fact been the worse time I can think in my life, I have realised that I am everything I hate. I’m struggeling with addiction problems, and I have been an awful husband to the woman who is singularly the most caring, loving, selfless person I know and I have been horrible to her.

Well today I change, I will become a better person, I have admitted I have problems and I have admitted I have been an awful person and in doing so I have started (I believe) on the road to recovery. I am still stuck away working but on my return I am going to seek help and look at other ways I can make a living that do not take me away from the kids.

I have realised that they are the most important thing to me, I always knew they were but my actions did not always show this. From Today they are my 1st priority and nothing else matters to me other than them.

All the stuff I thought Important is not really, Money, Success etc it’s all not real when I think about them. 

My eldest son today was in tears because I was away again. He gets really upset when I’m away and I don’t want this to be the case anymore. I don’t want to miss birthdays anymore, I don’t want to miss xmas plays, I don’t want to be on the other side of the world when my kids need me.

It’s not going to be an easy ride and it’s not going to happen straight away. I am going to re train and find another job where I can support my kids AND be at home.

So there you have it… I feel like I have hit bottom and I want to make my way back up.

Day 2 – 13/1/2009 (Later that day…)

I need to do positive things and the 1st one is to get fit, I’ve already started and what’s more I’m going to tell you all about it and maybe it can help you out… if I succeed and if not then you’ll all probably get a laugh out of me flailing about like a tit, trying my best to loose the small keg I am cultivating around my middle…

Day 2 – 13/1/2009

Woke up today and didn’t feel good, I’m doing positive things to sort myself out and I am going to the gym to work out in a bit.

I think maybe the realisation that I have so much to change has hit me and I feel terrible about what I’ve done.

I’ve just spoke to my wife for the 1st time really in a week, I didn’t try to explain my actions away and took responsibility for what I’ve done. I can’t blame her for this situation as it’s me that’s brought it on. She didn’t have much to say, she is still very angry. Hopefully she will calm down and we can see if there is anything we can do to resolve this. I guess if there is a resolution it’s never going to be easy. I also need to decide what I want too.

On the up side I did speak to my kids for about 20 minutes which really cheered me up, Charlie had loads to say and seemed very happy, He’s been to his mates house and played on the wii and playstation for ages… always a good thing for an 8 year old.

So for today I guess the process has started, I’ll keep on trying and do my best.

Day 1 – 12/1/2009

Ok what do I need to do? Well I need to stop doing stupid things and start doing the good things. Hmmm Difficult as it seems most of the things I do are stupid… A list might help…

1. Don’t lie – I think this has to be at the top and it’s what has f**ked pretty much everything up. I’ve lied a lot, often thinking it will be better to tell a little lie to avoid hurting feelings, this has not worked and proved only to work in the opposite way and hurt even more. So (takes deep breath) I will do my best to be truthful at all times….

2. Think about other people and how they will feel vs your actions – I have hurt my wife alot by not thinking numberswiki.com

about how she will feel when I do things. It’s not a malicious thing, more a lack of thought and a lot of stupidity. So… think before you do…

3. Do good things and stay away from bad things – Obvious I know but sometimes… 

4. Morals – I seem to have quite low moral standards, I like porn (too much I feel), I often think things aren’t as bad as most people do, That said I know good from bad. However I do need to raise my game on the morals.

5. Be positive… I can do it! I know there will be hard parts, I know there will be tough times but I need to do it for me.

So there you have it, day 1 starts today and I’m going to take it day by day…